
By Shahnawaz Ahmad Ansari
“Death is an ultimate truth, but no truth prepares a son for the absence of his father.”
बाप सिर्फ़ एक रिश्ता नहीं होता,
वह ज़िंदगी का पहला उस्ताद और रेहनुमा होता है।
There are truths in life we all grow up hearing: that death is inevitable, that every soul must return to its creator. But no one ever teaches a son how to breathe on the day his father’s breath stops. On December 24, 2018, when my father, Dr Jalil Ahmad Ansari, left us in a tragic road accident, stealing the ground from beneath our feet, I realise that while death is a truth, the departure of a father is an endurance. It is a melancholy that does not fade; it merely settles into the bones. No matter how grey my own hair turns, or how many responsibilities I shoulder, the heart remains a small child, perpetually seeking the patronage of my father at every turn of life’s trials and tribulations.
Seven years have passed. During calendar years, it is a considerable amount of time. In a son’s heart, it is still that same stunned evening, replaying itself quietly behind the eyes.
I am a father now—of two sons—and yet, how incomplete I feel without you. There are moments when I look at my children and instinctively turn inward, seeking your guidance. I imagine asking you, “Abba, am I doing this right?” And then I remember—you are no longer here in the flesh, only in memory, in conscience, in the values you planted deep within me.
जब भी दुनिया के बाजार में ईमान बिकता देखता हूँ,
मैं आपकी यादों का तावीज़ पहन लेता हूँ।
Abba, I miss you even more in this age of materialism, where truth is mocked, and integrity is mistaken for foolishness. I walk a path you taught me—of honesty, spontaneity, and moral courage—and the world often punishes me for it. I am belittled for not being shrewd and sidelined for not being clever enough to manipulate. But every insult I bear feels insignificant compared to your teachings. I endure because you taught me that truth does not always reward immediately—but it redeems eternally.
Abba, I often look at the state of the medical profession today—and I am shaken. There was a time when doctors were considered demi-gods: healers who combined knowledge with compassion and science with conscience. Today, too often, I see the opposite: medicine turning into a marketplace, doctors into corporate executives, and hospitals into profit centres. The noble Hippocratic oath is fading behind rate cards and targets. Many have become, in the harshest yet truest sense, qualified businessmen.
In these moments, I travel back in time and remember your practice—rooted in ethics, humility, and the Hippocratic oath. You never compromised. You chose principles over prosperity, even when it put us in financial difficulty. At the time, we felt the strain. Today, we feel immense pride. You taught us that character is more valuable than comfort and legacy more important than luxury.
This seventh memorial year, 2025, has been especially heavy, as three major events unfolded in your absence. On 25th January 2025, your eldest brother, our Abba Ji, Abdul Rashid (Bade Babu), returned to his Lord at the age of 98. Another towering pillar of the family was gone. On 18th February, it was 50 years—half a century—since the passing of your father and our grandfather, the great Abdur Rahim (Babu). I had dreamt of marking this milestone: a small souvenir, a gathering of near and dear ones, and stories and memories captured for the next generation. I wanted to honour Dada Ji’s memory in a way worthy of him—and, through that, honour you as his son. But it didn’t happen, as Abba Ji’s passing so close to that date meant we couldn’t observe what I had planned, characterising the testament: ‘Man proposes, God disposes.’
And then, amidst this sadness, came a moment of happiness: your third son, Zahid, an officer in the Government of Bihar, got married this year. It was a day that should have been lit by your smile. Your absence was felt by everyone—but most sharply by me. As your eldest son, I had to stand in your place—smiling before the world while breaking within.
बाप की कमी लफ़्ज़ों में बयान नहीं होती,
ये वो खला है जो हर खुशी के साथ चलती है।
Your dua, Abba, has always been our shield. I believe it still protects us. You loved grandchildren. It was almost as if God had placed a special softness in your heart for them. Today, you have four grandsons: Zayan, Shayan, Zohaib and Asad. Unfortunately, the two grandsons – Zohaib and Asad never met your lap; they missed a grandfather they deserved to grow up with.
Your youngest son, Aamir (Sonu), especially needs your dua at this point in time. He is seeking the right direction, to find his footing, to settle, and to begin a new chapter in life, marked by the responsibility of marriage. I say his name in my prayers, and in my imagination, I see you raise your hands too, asking God to show him the right path, to make his journey easy and honourable. Please, Abba, keep showering your duas upon him. Guide him, as only a father’s unseen hand can guide.
For me, your dua was always something I could almost feel—like a soft light on my back. I am sorry—painfully sorry—that I could not fulfil some of the dreams you had for me: You wanted to see me as a civil servant, to watch me earn a doctorate (PhD). Life took its turns, and I could not become what you had envisioned.
But God is kind. What I could not achieve, your third son, Zahid, has partly fulfilled by cracking the Bihar Civil Services exam. It may not be IAS—the post you glorified in your conversations and in your hopes—but it is still a testimony to your faith in us.
And maybe, Abba, the story is not over yet. Perhaps what you dreamt for me will bloom in your grandchildren. Possibly one day, they will walk into your silent room in our memories wearing the badge you loved so much, and we will whisper, “Abba’s dua has finally arrived.”
Seven years after that tragic road accident, the pain has not vanished. It has simply changed shape. It has melted into memory, turned into quiet prayers, into a constant longing that sits in a corner of every happiness.
Abba, you are not here to read these words. But I write them as if you are sitting in front of me, leaning slightly forward, listening with that familiar mix of seriousness and soft amusement:
- I miss you every single day.
- I am proud to be your son.
- I am trying—imperfectly, but sincerely—to live by the values you bled for.
- I am raising your grandsons with your name on my tongue and your principles in my heart.
May God grant you the highest place in paradise. May he make your grave a garden of peace. May your duas continue to be the invisible roof under which we live, stumble, rise, and try again.
You may not be here, but you live in my spine, my choices, and my resistance to compromise.
अब्बा चले गए, मगर उनकी रूह हर कदम साथ चलती है,
वो सिर्फ़ यादों में नहीं, मेरी हर सांस में बसती है।
Your dearest son
SHAHNAWAZ










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